honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
