i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
