Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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