Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
