Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
