dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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