I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
