Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize