Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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