bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
