dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
