We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
