every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
