Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I want to be your penis for a week.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
