I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
