i was born a porn star she said
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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