Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
me + whiskey = a bad person
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
