meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize