I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
