Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
