The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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