True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
how drunk are you?
Several
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
