Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
