Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
