there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
