Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
