If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
pop tarts are not kleenex
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
