video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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