oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
