If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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