keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize