so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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