at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
