Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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