I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
