Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
