grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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