I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
it hurts more in the daytime
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
