Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Randomize
