Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
