Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
