Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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