I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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