It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize