bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
