I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I AM VODKA MAN
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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