Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
