If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
