Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
