i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
