oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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