it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
