i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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