mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
