Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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