i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
